When You Don't Live Up to Your Ideal...A Process of Becoming

I'm not a morning person. Many of us aren't, I'm sure. But for as long as I can remember, mornings haven't just not been my best time; they are actually often difficult for me. I think it may have started at some point when I lived at home and I was going through some really trying circumstances. Mornings became extra hard because they meant facing a new day with those difficulties still unresolved and hanging over my head. There were mornings I would wake up and  be getting ready for the day and I would feel an overwhelming heaviness, even panic, pressing into my chest. I think, over time, I learned to be anxious, to the point that even when there was no longer anything to feel anxious about, simply waking up in the morning became a trigger for this anxiety. What a way to live! I envied (and still do some times) those people who seem to relish waking up in the morning. I've created this ideal person in my mind. That person springs out of bed (smiling) early in the morning, doesn't hit snooze a dozen times, has a leisurely morning drinking coffee and reading, maybe works out, and is overall ready to face the day with time to spare before having to head out the door. You may laugh at how unrealistic this ideal sounds. Or maybe you are actually like this person I've described. Whatever the case may be, I am finding that comparing myself to this ideal isn't helpful at all, and actually only magnifies my propensity towards anxiety.

Part of me wishes I could tell you that I never deal with anxiety anymore when I wake up. The part of me that loves happy endings and "brown paper packages tied up with string," the part of me that wants to say here are five steps to overcoming anxiety. This struggle has definitely improved over time as I have matured and learned to talk myself through my fears. Prayer has helped. Listening to music when I am getting ready has helped. Memorizing Scripture has helped. But the reality is, I rarely want to get out of bed, and I still have to fight this tendency to be anxious. I have to remind myself regularly that the Lord has seen me through every day of my life up to this point, and He is not suddenly going to abandon me now.

Eventually, I hope to un-learn anxiety. But I also realize that it may be something that I have to struggle with indefinitely. Something that I can get better at fighting, but that I may always have a tendency towards. And this place is better than where I was five years ago. Better than where I was two years ago. Paul had a "thorn in the flesh' that he asked the Lord to remove three times. Many of us are familiar with the Lord's response: "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I think what the Lord sees, what He is looking for, are hearts that turn to Him in all of our weakness and frailty. He knows we are dust...after all, that's what He made us from. The morning person ideal isn't God's ideal. The heart that says, "I need the every hour" just may be.

My intention is not to say we should wallow in our anxiety, worry or fear. I think we are to take hold of the tools the Lord gives and fight. But feeling badly about having to fight in the first place is to misunderstand this walk of faith. Richard Foster, in his chapter on celebration in the book Celebration of Discipline helps me think through this:

                         ...God's desire is to transform the misery, not bypass it.
                          We need to understand that God does at times give us
                           an infusion of joy in our bitterness and hard-heartedness.
                           But that is the abnormal situation. God's normal means of
                           bringing his joy is by redeeming and sanctifying the ordinary
                            junctures of human life.

Foster says this in the context of discussing how obedience and celebration are linked. For so long in my struggle with anxiety I just wanted the Lord to make me happy; I wanted to bypass the misery. But all along He has wanted to transform it, to transform me. I didn't want to have to fight, to put in the work to grow and become more like Christ. But I am learning that this fight is actually the way to joy.  Martin Luther says it well:

                        “This life therefore is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness, 
                          not health, but healing, not being but becoming,
                          not rest but exercise. We are not yet what we shall be, 
                          but we are growing toward it, the process is not yet finished, 
                          but it is going on, this is not the end, but it is the road. 
                         All does not yet gleam in glory, but all is being purified.”

This isn't a cop-out. This is discipleship. When it comes to anxiety, simply fighting against it is a losing battle. But fighting to trust, to obey and know Jesus? This is life. Let's embrace the process. Let us not throw up our hands in defeat and say it's too hard, or this is just the way I am! But let us not, on the other hand, despair that we have not yet become all that we ought to be. And let us certainly not despair that we don't live up to our own arbitrary ideals. Your struggles may be different from mine, but if you 're breathing, you struggle with something. Take heart, friend, and know that as you trust and follow him, doing the things He has called you to do, He is transforming you even now.

Things I Won't Regret

Disclaimer: Sometimes I think a lot. Sometimes I think serious thoughts. Sometimes I share those thoughts here. So, if you want to read a blog that doesn't make you think about serious stuff, this might not be the one for you. Bear with me--this is my story--the only one I have, and I'm convinced more and more every day that I am a steward of it, and that stories are meant to be shared. For me, for some reason, that means sharing bits of that story in writing. It's something I can't get away from. You may think I sound like some kind of religious fanatic. And I suppose that's ok, although not necessarily accurate. It's just that when something or someone is important to you, you talk about it. It would be inauthentic not to, right? For me, that Someone is Jesus. So, I invite you into my story--into my life. I'm really glad you are here =). 

I was browsing through old documents saved on my computer tonight and ran across this list and the paragraph that follows, written in May of 2009. I'm not sure what I was thinking or going through at the time, but it seemed so fitting to read it tonight, in light of the recent loss of a friend and so much reflecting upon what really matters. It seems so obvious, but perhaps we don't always see it? That the way to have no regrets is to live life doing the things we know we won't regret. Maybe instead of trying hard to avoid loss or pain, we could go hard in the direction of the things we know to be good--the things that ring with the song of a life well lived? This is the song I want playing through my days...
 

Things I know I won’t regret at the end of my life:
May 20, 2009

  

Being merciful, gracious, patient, kind…

Generosity…even when it doesn’t make sense

Laughter that flows from a joyful heart (and isn’t at the expense of someone else)

Rejoicing with those who rejoice

Weeping with those who weep

Giving to the homeless

Time spent in prayer

Knowing Jesus

Enjoying creation

Standing for truth

Advocating for those in need

Encouraging others

Giving grace

Choosing love over a grudge

Authentic relationships

Investing in others

Loving my family

Writing words that point to the beauty of the Lord

Reflecting on, cherishing, and living the Gospel

Reading books that inspire

Giving hugs

Smiling

Writing notes of encouragement

Mentoring

Sharing the love of Christ

Memorizing and meditating upon Scripture

Being a part of sharing Christ with those who have never heard

Spending time in prayer

I want to always err on the side of radical love, relentless grace, untiring prayer, lavish generosity, and absolute abandonment to Jesus Christ--loving and treasuring Him above all, and spreading the honor of His name wherever He grants me opportunity. I know that when I come to the end of my life (should I have time to reflect), I will not regret doing the things that I have listed. I don’t think there is a danger of being too merciful, too gracious, too kind, or too generous (against such there is no law!). And how could one ever regret a life poured out in humble, reverent worship to the King, when that is what life will be about when all is made new? This vision is impossible without His empowering and sustaining grace in my life, so I look to Him and plead with Him to be strong in my weakness and to work supernaturally through me to the glory of His name. May HE be forever praised!

 ------
Friends, I have a long way to go. But, I press on.

What would your list say? 

Helps in Prayer for 2013

 “I would rather teach one man to pray than ten men to preach.”  
                                                                        -Charles Spurgeon

I don't know about you, but I am not the best pray-er. I am often reminded of people and situations that need prayer, make a mental note to pray for them more, but often just forget to actually follow through. Even worse is the fact that I know I have done this far too often when I have told someone, "I'll pray about that." I'm not meaning to be dishonest or insincere when I say this; it's just so easy to forget. My prayer life needs some help.

With the start of a new year, I feel that there's no better time to try to start some better, new prayer habits! So I am very thankful for a friend who told me about a system for prayer that she learned about over the summer while at her missions training. This is day two for me of using this little system and I can already say it has been a blessing!

The idea is to "cover your bases," so to speak, so that the people in your life, as well different important situations/ issues are being regularly lifted up.

Here's how it works:

1. Get a journal or notebook

2. On the first page, write down people you will pray for every day. I put down my husband, my parents, and my siblings and their spouses and children.

3. Next, on the next seven pages write each day of the week--one day per page--and write the names of two or three people that you want to pray for on that day.

4. Finally, number the following pages 1-30 or 1-31 (for the days of the month) and write the names of two or three people you want to pray for. If you number 1-30, you just won't have a monthly prayer list on the last day of the months with 31 days. If you number 1-31, you can just add the people on the 31st to your prayer list on the 30th (or 28th) for the shorter months.

5. Work through the people assigned to the appropriate day/ page, and PRAY!!

Confused yet?? If you didn't catch it at first, you will be praying for certain people every day, others once a week, and others once a month, but some from each category every day. I don't own a camera, otherwise I would have lovely pictures to illustrate this process.

 If you aren't sure who to include on your prayer list, maybe start with your immediate family, urgent needs you know of, and people you have told, "I'll pray for you." You can make a list of people and then assign them to each day, or do what I did and just write people down as they come to mind. I think I have almost all the people in my church included in my list, as well as days that I will pray more generally for national leaders or certain ministries. This is an evolving list; people can be added or removed (if for instance, an urgent prayer need is answered) as time goes on. This is your list, so feel free to cater it to your life and what is going on around you.

I really hope that this helps you! Already, I have found it to be a big help in giving me a focus in my prayer time (or just giving me a prayer time to begin with), and also helping me to know that I'm covering a wide spectrum of people with prayer, rather than simply praying for those closest to me or just the first things that pop into my mind. Please feel free to let me know if you have any questions.

One of the greatest ways we can show love to others is by lifting them up in prayer. I don't fully understand it, but somehow the Lord has chosen to allow our prayers to actually affect the outcome of events in our world. May we take hold of this powerful opportunity before us in 2013!

 "Four things let us ever keep in mind: God hears prayer, God heeds prayer, God answers prayer, and God delivers by prayer."  E. M. Bounds