Maybe it's because I'm an introvert and so I spend a lot of time in my own head, but I tend to over think things...and second-guess things. The latest on the agenda of topics to be thought about, and then thought about some more? Why I am trying to make a habit of recognizing and noting God's blessings and gifts to me. Is this just a practice to give myself a nice, warm feeling? What's the point of it all?
If we're friends on Facebook, you've probably noticed the "Happy Moments" I've been posting lately based upon the challenge to record things that make you happy for 100 days (and before that, references to my gratitude journal). For me, this is a form of thanksgiving, a way of looking for the beauty in every day moments and then celebrating it. But there are times when I second-guess myself and think, "Is this obnoxious? Are people going to think that I'm not being real, that I'm trying to paint a picture of my life that it's all rainbows and roses?" Because that's really not the point at all.
These thoughts came on especially strong after reading a woman's blog that I came across through a friend. This woman and her family are going through what is probably one of the most horrific trials I have ever heard about. After losing three babies through miscarriage, her family discovered that they had been living in a toxic mold-infested home for two years, and in within twenty-four hours they had moved out of their home, parting with almost all of their possessions. Due to the nature of the mold and their compromised immune systems, they have had to sell or throw away almost every thing they own. Every children's toy. Every picture. Every love letter. Every blanket, towel, and item of clothing. They have had to shave or cut their hair. The woman's health is massively compromised and they are living every day under the shadow of waiting to discover just how much the mold has effected their bodies and the health of their three living children. They are at risk for developing cancer and they are financially decimated and living on the generosity of the Body of Christ. (If you wish to know more of their story, please do ask and I'll send you a link. There's a fund set up for financial donations if you feel lead to give.)
After reading all of this my stomach was in knots. I must admit that I felt a little silly posting about how my "Happy Moment" for the day was that my husband bought pizza after I had a tiring day at work. It seemed so trite in comparison to what I had just read. Really, is my greatest trial right now the fact that I am tired after working at a job that I am privileged to have in the first place, and I'm not sure what the quickest thing to make for dinner would be? I felt silly, shallow even, but I posted it anyway and went to sleep with my heart heavy for a family I had never met.
But the more I have thought about it, the more it has become clear that the suffering of others does not minimize the blessings that I have received. It does not render them obsolete or make them things to feel embarrassed or ashamed about (I'm not talking here about a proper conviction about poor stewardship of resources, or an excessive lifestyle, etc.). With death being more of a reality around me lately, I have thought about how one of the best responses in the face of such loss seems to be to renew our efforts in loving the people around us. We grieve, yes, but our lost loved ones are no more served by our despair than our accolades. It seems one of the best ways to honor those who have passed away is by purposing to fervently love the people around us while we still have a chance. In the same way, those who are suffering around me are not somehow served by me having a feeling of guilt over what I have and they lack. What is the alternative to gratitude in the face of the suffering of others--or of my own? Complaint? Despair? Cynicism?
No, I think one of the best ways to respond to suffering besides prayer and compassion, is to continue to be thankful. If my brother or sister is suffering and I get pulled into a vortex of despair, how does that assist him or her? How does that assist my own faith journey?
Ann Voskamp, one who has taught me much about thanks, notes this about the Ruth and Naomi story:
Naomi--she goes home bitter. Orpah goes home to begin over. And Ruth goes on believing she will find home. Maybe sometimes the miracle begins by growing not in bitterness but in faithfulness--because for all its supposed sophistication, cynicism is simplistic. In a fallen world, how profound is it to see the cracks? The radicals and the reflective, the Ruths and the revolutionaries--they are the ones on the road, in the fields, on the wall, pointing to the dawn of a new Kingdom, pointing to the light that breaks through all things broken, pointing to redemption always rising and the Advent coming again. Brilliant people don't deny the dark; they are the ones who never stop looking for His light in everything.*
I make no claims of brilliance, but I choose to practice thanksgiving both because it is an admonition from Scripture and something that Jesus modeled--so it must be good for me--and also because I am not naturally thankful. You might read my posts and conclude that I always see the good in every situation, but that is simply not true. I seek to make a practice of giving thanks because I am generally not thankful. I look for the happy moments because my default is often to feel melancholy and anxious. I need thanksgiving. It's not that I think feeling happy is the goal of life, but joy is a fruit of the Spirit (and believers in Jesus are called to manifest these fruits) so I figure if it doesn't come naturally, a little coaxing on my part sure won't hurt. Some might think that this seems contrived and should come more organically in order to be sincere. But should we wait to feel love-y in order to do what is loving? Should we wait to feel self-controlled before we abstain from a destructive habit? How would that even work? No, gratitude, like anything else, must be intentionally practiced. And if it isn't practiced in the specifics, where else does it have a place? I cannot will myself into a general state of perpetual gratitude. But I do find my attitude changing, my perspective shifting, and my heart more primed to worship Christ as I reflect upon all the ways He blesses and sustains me. And I firmly believe that should every possession and even my health be stripped away, there would still be reason for giving thanks because nothing can separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus my Lord.
Though I've faced my share of trials, compared to my sister in Christ suffering from toxic mold, I feel like I have lived a charmed life. But should the heat be turned up, should greater trials than I have yet faced be on the horizon, I pray I'll be able to give thanks in all things. And maybe practicing today will help prepare me for tomorrow. Thankful people aren't built in a day. But even if tomorrow doesn't come, being thankful for today will make today better and will honor the One who is so deserving of my thanks. And who doesn't need to see light breaking through the cracks of this broken world?
*The Greatest Gift, p. 113
