Backwards Living

I remember those awkward adolescent years…and the painful insecurity that accompanied them. I remember the insecurity that seemed to follow me and bleed into my early (earlier) adult years. I remember the pain of liking boys who never looked twice in my direction. I remember the gut-wrenching ache when things didn't work out with the one I thought at the time was "the one."  I remember thinking the hurt would never, ever subside. I remember watching others who carried themselves with effortless confidence and craving what it seemed they had.

I remember trying to focus upon what was right and good about myself.

I remember, later, counter-intuitive as it seemed, realizing that I had to focus more upon Christ than upon myself in my “search for significance."

What I don’t remember is how or when the change happened. How I started to think not less of myself, but of myself less. How I started to think a bit more of others. I think it must have been years of truth-hearing finally catching up to me.

But I remember the freedom that washed over me one day recently when I stopped in my tracks and realized—I’m different. I’m not constantly taking my self-esteem pulse. I’m not continually worrying about how I’m being perceived. My wounds are healing. I’m becoming who I am--or who I was meant to be.

I remember thinking about how Jesus says if you lose your life you will find it. I always knew this had something to do with doing the hard things that I don’t always want to do. But I never thought about it this way—that when I stop being so self-concerned, self-aware, and self-obsessed, and instead focus upon loving my Maker and my neighbor—something beautiful happens. The self that I was searching for and trying so hard to define, so hard to find, emerges into who she was meant to be all along. After all, we are His image-bearers aren’t we? It makes sense that we become who we are meant to be by living in the way He said is best. Oswald Chambers said once that “it is a tremendous freedom to get rid of all self-consideration...” and how completely true that is. I have the most joy, the most confidence, and the most streamlined sense of purpose, not when I am looking deep into myself, not when I am analyzing how I am treated or where I “belong,” but when I lose my life. When I lose myself in seeking the well-being of others. When I sit at Jesus' feet in fellowship and seek to live by his commands.

Jesus never said come follow me and learn your love language, take a spiritual gifts test, and know your Myers-Briggs personality type (as helpful and fascinating as the results may be). He simply says, "Follow me." He is fully capable of taking us as we are and making us into who He wants us to be, if we are willing to learn from him. But we can get so caught up in finding our “niche,” in learning who we are in order to find where we can be used best, that we lose sight of simply serving others. You don’t need a resume for that. Sure, it can be helpful to know what your gifts are, but if we only ever do what comes naturally, when will we get out of our comfort zone? When will we ever know how perfect his strength is in our weakness?

I remember a time just recently when someone’s words sent me into that all-too-natural and familiar spiral of questioning who I am and wanting to prove my worth. I remember how these same truths of finding my life in the losing of it came back to me again. I remember being reminded of how I would need to remember over and over again. Maybe because it all seems a bit backwards; it takes practice to undo the survival of the fittest, performance-driven influences of our society. And as much much as I have learned and as far as I have come, I know the journey isn’t over. 

I remember Jesus says that the one who builds his life on His teachings is like a man who built his house on a rock. When the storms and winds came, his house was secure. I don’t want to build my life upon my own philosophies of importance and significance. I don’t want to build my life upon the opinions, philosophies or perceptions of others. There is only one truth that matters, and that is the truth of who Jesus is, what He has done, and all that He taught. Yes, on Christ the Solid Rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand. 

I am not dismissing the need for self-knowledge. Calvin said that "[T]he knowledge of God and the knowledge of ourselves are bound together by a mutual tie, [but we must] treat of the former in the first place, and then descend to the latter." Knowing God enables us to know ourselves rightly, and knowing ourselves enables us to relate to God in humility and dependence and gratitude. But again. we must first know God. And the truth of who God is and what He is like is revealed to us in Jesus. And Jesus tells us that to find our life we must lose it. So here we are again--back to where we started. It's not that the goal of losing our life is to discover ourselves. I think the ultimate goal is obedience. But what I have learned is that everything--even my very identity-- seems to fall into place when I do things the Jesus way. It's not that life become easy, but it does become more simplified. Perhaps it's because when I lose myself in doing things his way, I find that all of my questions and concerns aren't nearly as important as they once were. Taking on the identity of Servant has a way of putting all those issues into perspective.

Lord of all identities and personalities, 

teach us to so seek first your Kingdom that all answers of

belonging might find their answer in you--the one who had no place to lay his head.

Teach us to lean not upon any props, resumes, or reputation, but may our only tools be those of the basin and towel of humble service in your name, our only resume that we are known and loved by You.
May we know the joy and freedom that come from gradual conformity
to the image of your Son who came not to serve,
but to be served and to give His life as a ransom for many.
In whose name we pray,
Amen.