How To Be A Good Friend

First of all, let me preface this post by saying I do not claim to be an expert on friendship. According to Myers-Briggs, I make a loyal friend, but I make mistakes all the time. Case in point: just this morning I was supposed to meet two friends/mentees for coffee and I overslept. I’m supposed to be a responsible adult here and hopefully be some kind of example to these girls, but I couldn’t even get there on time (at all). If I were to use internet speak I would say something like #adultfail. But they were graciously understanding and willing to give me another chance, so we will try again tomorrow morning. 

Mistakes happen. We oversleep. We forget important dates. We’re clumsy with our words at times. But the beautiful thing is that there is always the opportunity to grow and to try to be a better friend today than we were yesterday.

So here are some things I’ve learned and am still learning about how to be a good friend:

1)      Be there for the big events.

Years ago l I received an invitation from a friend for a luncheon connected to a debutante event she was a part of. My meal was paid for by her family and she obviously wanted me there because she had invited me. But I was a lot more insecure back then and could only picture how awkward I would feel at this up-scale event, and so instead of choosing to be there for something that was important to her, I just didn’t go. Years later, with the perspective that comes with a little more maturity, I thought back on that decision with regret. I still wish I would have chosen to put my insecurities aside and had been there to be a part of an important day for my friend. I had to learn from my mistakes that being a true friend often means doing things that we might not always feel like doing simply because that’s what friends do. We show up for the big events in our friends’ lives whether it’s the birth of a baby, the funeral of a loved one, or a debutant luncheon.  We enter into their joy or sorrow as if it were our own (Romans 12:15). We don’t opt out simply because it might not be our thing or we don’t know what to say or we’re just too busy. We think about what we would want in their shoes and choose to be there. Which leads me to my second point…

2)      Know when to just sit and say nothing.

We’ve all probably heard this at some point. Sometimes all our friend needs is our presence,not our words. When someone is suffering, the last thing we should do is open our mouths and try to be profound. Henri Nouwen says it much more eloquently:

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

This is often so much harder than it sounds. It can be so difficult to sit with someone in their sorrow or disappointment and not try to put some positive spin on their situation. We desperately want to fix the situation or say something to make them feel better (or to make ourselves feel better). But I think what most of us want when we’re suffering is to know that we’re not forgotten and that we have people who are going to walk with us in the dark days ahead. Hearing our loss or pain acknowledged with a simple, “I’m so sorry” is probably all the talking we need from our friends initially. Other words may be needed down the line, but they  should always be chosen with great wisdom and care. As Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue…” And also consider this, “Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart (Proverbs 25:20). For example, telling a grieving friend that “God must have needed one more angel in heaven” or some other such token phrase is probably not helpful. So, next time a friend is suffering, try biting your tongue and just sitting with them in silence. They’ll appreciate it more than you know.

I wrote more about this subject here if you are interested.

3)      Be their Cheerleader.

Or, encourage them to use their gifts. I have a friend who gave me a journal for my birthday to encourage me to write. This isn’t just any journal, however. Sprinkled through the pages are little (handwritten) writing prompts like “You’re digging in your garden and find a nugget of gold” and "Describe a first.” How thoughtful is that?? She believes I have a gift and she wants to help me use it. That encourages me so much. 

A few months back this same friend and I exchanged lengthy emails with each other outlining the specific ways in which we see the other is gifted. We listed things like “Hospitality/People Gatherer” and then expounded on how we see those qualities fleshed out. This was more than a feel-good exercise though; we genuinely want each other to rise to our full potential. We see so many gifts in each other and we want them to be used for good in the world in a way that makes others see the goodness and beauty of God.We all need to be pushed in the direction of our calling sometimes. So many of us might be just one encouraging word away from using a gift we’ve been keeping hidden. We might need to put aside a spirit of competition or envy in order to be someone’s cheerleader, but think about what a sad place the world would be if nobody used their gifts. If there were no beautiful music or inspiring stories or life-changing non-profits, etc., etc.,  I love how Shauna Nequist captures the power of encouragement:

There’s nothing scarier than that moment when you sing the song for the very first time, for your roommate or your wife, or when you let someone see the painting, and there are a few very long silent moments when they haven’t yet said what they think of it, and in those few moments, time stops and you quit painting, you quit singing forever, in your head, because it’s so fearful and vulnerable, and then someone says, essentially thank you and keep going, and your breath releases and you take back everything you said in your head…and at least in that moment, you feel like you did what you came to do, in a cosmic, very big sense. –Cold Tangerines

What friend needs to hear you say, “Thank you, and keep going” today? It could be something as big as “You should write that book” or as simple as “You’re a great listener. Keep doing that because you make a difference in people’s lives.”

Obviously, there are many more ways to be a good friend. These are just some that have come to stand out in bold relief through my own friendship blunderings and victories over the years.

 What would you add to the list?