How to Offend People

Proverbs 18: 19 says, "A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a strong castle."

The writer of this Proverb is stating a general fact, not necessarily giving advice on how to avoid offending a brother. But it's an important fact to note: once a person has been offended, they are difficult to win back to your good graces, and quarreling erects obstacles which create relational separation and are as difficult to overcome as the steel bars on an ancient castle.

There seems to be an implied admonition:  if this is the case, try not to offend your brother!

But how do you avoid offending someone? This is a good question to ask, but an even better one is probably, "How do I love my brother?" I think it's important to ask this question regularly, but especially when the risk for offending someone may be more high. So, here are a few ways to potentially offend people, along with some suggestions for loving them instead.

1. Say thoughtless things during times of grief, struggle, or disappointment. This is a time to be especially sensitive. Do you ever hear a person offer condolences to someone who is grieving and their words make you cringe? Or maybe you've seen the comments on someone's Facebook wall when they post about a friend or family member's death. There are the well-meaning, but generally unhelpful comments such as, "She's in a better place" and "You're young; you can still have more kids." And then there are the chastising/ instructional comments like, "If you had had more faith this wouldn't have happened" (yes, it's really been said), or "You just need to trust God." These kinds of comments can cause people to distance themselves from you because your words are hurtful or because they feel like you are trying to fix them. A great rule of thumb for what to say in these times is less is more. We really don't have to try to think of something meaningful or eloquent to say. In the midst of profound grief, it's doubtful that much of what we say will even register with a sorrowing friend. But I have heard a grieving friend say that simply hearing, "I'm sorry" really means a lot. I learned all this the hard way. You can read about it here.

2. Share a confidence. I'm not sure why this is true, but it seems that when something isn't supposed to be repeated is when it's the most tempting to repeat. It can feel like an itch that you just have to scratch. But just as it won't kill us to not scratch an itch, it definitely won't hurt us to keep a secret. In fact, not keeping a secret is what could actually cause harm. Proverbs 16:28 says, "A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends. It seems in this instance "whisperer" is referring to someone who gossips about or shares the secrets of a friend. Of course, there are exceptions to this, like when someone's life is in danger and it would be wise to seek outside help. But the extremes are not what we typically deal with in our everyday life. What we need most of the time is some good ol' fashion' self-control. The relational stakes are too high when it comes to gossip and sharing secrets. Getting something off of our chest or feeling the power of sharing some shocking piece of information is never worth the risk of damaging a relationship or causing pain to another person. What is the loving thing? If we always asked this question before talking about someone behind his or her back, I'm sure our tendency to gossip would decrease dramatically.

3. Share your opinions, but don't try to understand those of anyone else. More wisdom from Proverbs: "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion." Even if you don't agree with someone, it's loving to try to see where they are coming from. We all long to be understood. Along with this, I think we need to be careful not to be the person who turns everything someone shares with us back to ourselves. You've probably experienced this before: you start telling someone a story of something that happened to you, and before you can even finish, they're interjecting, "Me too, so there was this one time..." As an introvert, this has happened to me many times and it can be terribly frustrating. But it also makes me want to be all the more sensitive to conversational dynamics and how I can avoid perpetuating the problem of selfish communication. I remember after spending a summer in East Asia, someone shared these words during debriefing, "You have spent weeks straining to understand people who are not native English speakers. You have acquired a skill in listening that you can apply to your life back home." It's been seven years since I heard those words, but they've stuck with me all this time. I wish I could say I have always applied the same determination in trying to understand and listen to others as I did when I was overseas...but unfortunately, some of that sense of urgency has worn off. But, isn't it worth it to do the work of trying to understand others? Isn't it worth our attention and imagination and a little bit of dying to self?

So there you have it, three ways that you can potentially offend another person. This isn't an exhaustive list by any means, but hopefully gives a little food for thought. Let's strive to be people who avoid offending by choosing the way of love.