Being self-disciplined has never been my strong suit. I like to sleep in when I can. I'm good at organizing my house, but not the best at organizing my time. And until recently, exercise was not a very big part of my life. I grew up taking ballet, but when I stopped taking lessons my physical activity was limited to my job doing massage, and my occasional jog or walk, or the yoga or ballet classes I took in college.
But at the beginning of last year, Geoff and I decided that something had to give. We were getting a gym membership, whether we felt like it or not. Geoff, who had been a personal trainer in the past as well as a fairly serious weight lifter, became my trainer and we began a rather intentional work out regimen. I learned how to do squats and dead lift and I learned what really being sore can feel like. I also learned that my default is to give up when things are hard. There have been times when I thought I absolutely could not do one more rep, and then Geoff would assist me and I suddenly had it in me to do more. As it turns out, he wasn't actually helping me lift the weight, but when I thought he was, I had the mental capacity to push myself further. Which revealed the fact that I had it in me to keep going all along.
Over the past year I have felt my body become stronger and healthier, but perhaps equally or more importantly is the fact that I have felt my spirit become stronger and healthier. Pushing myself in the area of physical exercise has shown me that I can push myself in other areas as well. I can set a timer for ten minutes every day and write at least that long, whether I feel inspired or not (this is day 15 and going strong!). I can implement rhythms into my life that don't have to bend to whatever might seem more urgent at the moment. I can say no to some things in order to say yes to others.
So often, when we find that we need a change, there really is a better way out there. We just have to do our part in order for that better way to be opened up to us. It can be a grueling process. But this is how change happens.
It might sound strange, but working out is probably one of the most spiritual things I've ever done, if by spiritual we mean something that helps us to know ourselves and God more fully. I've grown up going to church and doing mission trips and praying, etc. These are all good things, but they generally don't force me out of my comfort zone. They could easily be something to hide behind until I dealt with my lack of discipline and my fear of learning new things and looking like an idiot at the gym. That's right, I can travel to China or teach English in Moldova, but put me in a gym and my heart rate was up before my first set of anything. The Lord sees my heart and He knows the real issues that are there--no matter how together I might try to appear on the outside.
I share all this as a testimonial of sorts. There are many out there who are far more disciplined than me and whose areas of struggle look different than mine. But I wonder if you too might have something that you need to face, that might just have the dual benefit of forming your character more towards goodness. It might be learning to play an instrument or stretching yourself in new ways socially. It might be sharing a talent with the world that you've kept hidden--like singing or writing or teaching. Whatever it may be, I suspect that your life and the lives of others will be enriched as you choose to discipline yourself and maybe even face some deep fear. There's a beauty in this kind of vulnerability that trumps the pseudo security of mediocrity any day. I think it's a beauty that attracts the heart and assistance of God, maybe because the beauty of vulnerability is a hostile environment for pride--and where pride is leveled humility can grow.
There's been a lot of vulnerability at the gym for me, which I hope means some humility is on its way. Scripture says that God gives grace to the humble but resists the proud. I don't know about you, but I sure want the grace of God in my life. If training my body and facing some irrational fears helps to facilitate that, then I think it's worth every minute. The gym might seem an unlikely place to meet God, but if it's the place where my pride is dissolved and grace is received, it might not be so unlikely after all.
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