Thoughts from a Recovering Pessimist

I’ve been in a process lately of changing the way that I think. Let’s just say I don’t struggle with being overly optimistic. Lately, a shift has taken place within me, though, so maybe you could say I’m in recovery. Yes, I think it’s safe to say I am a recovering pessimist.

The shift hasn’t been automatic. Like any good thing worth having, changing our thought patterns takes effort. I have had to become more aware of the thoughts that are on repeat in my brain and am learning to evaluate those thoughts based upon whether they are true and helpful. A tool that I have found helpful is Martin Seligman’s book Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. In it he notes that when we have a negative experience, “we react by thinking about it. Our thoughts rapidly congeal into beliefs. These beliefs may become so habitual we don’t even realize we have them unless we stop and focus on them. And they don’t just sit there idly; they have consequences. The beliefs are the direct causes of what we feel and what we do next.” We are all probably aware on some level that the way we think affects our feelings and actions. But even so, we could probably afford to do a little meta thinking--thinking about the way we think. We generally accept that what we put into our bodies--whether it be drugs or junk food--negatively affects our health. But we may not often think about how the way we think affects what we believe and feel and do--as well as our physical health! It doesn't seem like much of anything we think or do is neutral. I know that I have often acted as though there is no correlation between the thoughts I dwell upon and how I feel. I've assumed that my thoughts were just there and I often haven't realized the connection between them and how I felt and who was becoming. The apostle Paul understood how our thoughts and actions/character are linked and exhorted Christians in Rome to “be transformed by the renewal of your mind” (Romans 12:2).

My circumstances haven’t changed, but I‘m learning to think differently about the nagging disappointments and frustrations that persist or inevitably arise. Instead of seeing everything through the lens of whatever I perceive is not going right in my life, I am able to see that I actually have a choice in how I interpret my circumstances--and do I really want to spiral into a pit of negativity like I have in the past? Habits are hard to kick, and sometimes in the moment the negative route seems appealing, but then I remember how draining it really is, and how it doesn’t do me or anyone else any favors. I’ve breathed the air that a healthier thought life offers and don’t want to go back.

Ironically, what I’ve found myself fearing (apparently it’s possible to be pessimistic about your optimism!) is that I will go back, that this progress I’m making is just a phase, the “honeymoon” period of new habits taking shape. In those moments I just have to ask God that He will help me to continue using the tools I have been given so that I will be transformed little by little, day by day. I know that when my mind is healthy, I am more able to love the people around me and to pursue the things He’s called me to do to influence my little sphere of the world.

This post isn't so much a "how to" as it is just me processing the shift that has taken place in my mind and soul. But if you struggle with worry or anxiety or just tend to default to a more negative outlook (I'm not talking about clinical depression here, although negative thinking can certainly exacerbate depression) I hope that this might offer you even just a bit of hope that change is possible. It might start with writing a list every day of three things you are thankful for. Or meditating on a truth of Scripture to replace a lie you have been believing (and therefore acting upon). Or you might want to pick up a book about habits/mindset/optimism (I promise they aren't all bogus). Whatever small step you take, as you become more aware of those thoughts that are on repeat in your mind and seek to refute what it is false or unhelpful, I am optimistic that you, like me, will gradually experience a shift in your outlook that might catch you by surprise.

Recommended reading:

The Slight Edge: Turning Simple Disciplines into Massive Success and Happiness, Jeff Olson

Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, Martin Seligman

How I Plan to be More Present in 2016

For many people, the beginning of a new year is a time for setting goals and thinking about changes they would like to see in the coming year. Although I’ve never been great at goal setting, l definitely find myself thinking about the ways I would like to grow and change in 2016. My husband recently taught a Bible study lesson and wrote a blog post (https://shallowthoughtswithgeoff.wordpress.com/2015/12/31/its-a-new-year-be-the-ant/) on this topic, which also served as a springboard for discussion as we gathered with some close friends to ring in the new year.

One of the questions to ask ourselves from the lesson was “What do I want more of?” This was followed by the question, "What small, self-starting, regular action can I take to get the more that I want?" I concluded that one of the things I desire in the coming year is to be more present. This is a recurring them in my thinking and writing, as it is something that I seem to be constantly striving for, or at least often feeling guilty for not being better at. I think my struggle stems from my introverted tendency to be inside my own head when I am around people, which can cause me to be spaced out and distracted. I can also become overly stimulated in the midst of lots of activity and noise and this makes it challenging for me to focus. Trying to have a conversation with one person when I’m picking up bits of conversations all around me takes tremendous concentration and can feel very overwhelming. My selfish tendency is to check out because the work it takes of being in tune to the people around me, particularly in group settings, can take so much effort. But, it’s effort that I know is well spent, and I believe it’s something that I can get better at with practice.

I think of a lady I knew a few years ago who embodied the picture I have in my mind of what it means to be present. When I was around her I really felt like I was the only person in the room. She gave me her full attention and made me feel truly valuable. I would come away from time with her with the thought I want to be like Suzy. But I have a feeling that even Suzy had to work at being this way and that I was experiencing the fruits of her intentional habits and choices. Here are some strategies I have for being more intentionally present in the coming year:

Try, or as author Gretchen Rubin says, “Act the way I want to feel.” Trying isn’t everything, but it shouldn’t be thrown out altogether simply because certain behaviors don’t come naturally. If I approach a social setting with the mindset that to the best of my ability, I am going to give every person I talk to my full attention, I am already set up for greater success than if I simply do what comes naturally. And if I act engaged, chances are I will actually become engaged, and the more engaged I become, the less prone to distraction I will probably be.

Quiet my mind/ take inventory. When I know that I am going to be in a social setting (even if it’s simply Geoff coming home from work or vise versa), I need to take a few moments to be still and quiet some of the jabber in my mind. Originally, I typed “clear my mind,” but I don’t know if that is possible or necessarily helpful. I don’t need to approach a social setting with zero thoughts in my head, but it would be helpful if some of the noise was quieted a bit. If something frustrated me at work, I can try to pinpoint my feelings about what happened so that I can share them with Geoff instead of being in a distracted fog when I get home. If I’m going to a party and feel scattered and anxious, I can take a few moments to process what I am feeling and get my bearings. If I am to be present, I must be prepared to listen and as Adam McHugh states, “There is a vast difference between merely not speaking and listening. True listening requires us to silence the constant monologue running through our heads.” If I am to listen well and give people my full attention, one of the most loving things I can do is prepare myself with a few minutes of “me” time.

Be me. The only person I can be with any degree of success is myself. This might see like it contradicts all this talk about effort and working against what feels natural, but the reality is that we all have to work against the weaknesses that come with the way we are wired. I am coming to see that introversion, so often confused with shyness and seen in a negative light, comes with tremendous potential for good. The same is true of extroversion. The world needs all personality types, and the world needs people who can be themselves well. Being me, or better put, being the best version of myself, means taking an honest look at my struggles and weaknesses and working to become better. It means operating within my natural abilities and stretching myself when doing so is good for me and the people around me. This is where doing things like taking time to quiet my mind are so important. When I do this, I am valuing how I am wired while also preparing myself for growth. Being me should also include doing more of the things that make me come alive and help me operate within my giftings. When I spend time in nature I feel alive and refreshed. When I write I feel like I’m doing something that I was created to do. What does this have to do with being present? When we are at ease with ourselves, we can be at ease with others. When we have this ongoing habit of operating within the framework of our inner blueprint--all the while seeking growth in the context of kindness and grace towards ourselves--I think we will be on our way to truly being with others when we are with them. If you are an extrovert and struggle with being present, you might need to practice listening more than you speak or paring down you're schedule so you're less busy and can be less rushed when you are with people.

While your desires and goals for the coming year may be totally different from mine, I hope you will take the time to think about what you would like more of (and less of) in the coming year, and what small steps you can take to get it.

The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin

Introverts in the Church, Adam McHugh