For many people, the beginning of a new year is a time for setting goals and thinking about changes they would like to see in the coming year. Although I’ve never been great at goal setting, l definitely find myself thinking about the ways I would like to grow and change in 2016. My husband recently taught a Bible study lesson and wrote a blog post (https://shallowthoughtswithgeoff.wordpress.com/2015/12/31/its-a-new-year-be-the-ant/) on this topic, which also served as a springboard for discussion as we gathered with some close friends to ring in the new year.
One of the questions to ask ourselves from the lesson was “What do I want more of?” This was followed by the question, "What small, self-starting, regular action can I take to get the more that I want?" I concluded that one of the things I desire in the coming year is to be more present. This is a recurring them in my thinking and writing, as it is something that I seem to be constantly striving for, or at least often feeling guilty for not being better at. I think my struggle stems from my introverted tendency to be inside my own head when I am around people, which can cause me to be spaced out and distracted. I can also become overly stimulated in the midst of lots of activity and noise and this makes it challenging for me to focus. Trying to have a conversation with one person when I’m picking up bits of conversations all around me takes tremendous concentration and can feel very overwhelming. My selfish tendency is to check out because the work it takes of being in tune to the people around me, particularly in group settings, can take so much effort. But, it’s effort that I know is well spent, and I believe it’s something that I can get better at with practice.
I think of a lady I knew a few years ago who embodied the picture I have in my mind of what it means to be present. When I was around her I really felt like I was the only person in the room. She gave me her full attention and made me feel truly valuable. I would come away from time with her with the thought I want to be like Suzy. But I have a feeling that even Suzy had to work at being this way and that I was experiencing the fruits of her intentional habits and choices. Here are some strategies I have for being more intentionally present in the coming year:
Try, or as author Gretchen Rubin says, “Act the way I want to feel.” Trying isn’t everything, but it shouldn’t be thrown out altogether simply because certain behaviors don’t come naturally. If I approach a social setting with the mindset that to the best of my ability, I am going to give every person I talk to my full attention, I am already set up for greater success than if I simply do what comes naturally. And if I act engaged, chances are I will actually become engaged, and the more engaged I become, the less prone to distraction I will probably be.
Quiet my mind/ take inventory. When I know that I am going to be in a social setting (even if it’s simply Geoff coming home from work or vise versa), I need to take a few moments to be still and quiet some of the jabber in my mind. Originally, I typed “clear my mind,” but I don’t know if that is possible or necessarily helpful. I don’t need to approach a social setting with zero thoughts in my head, but it would be helpful if some of the noise was quieted a bit. If something frustrated me at work, I can try to pinpoint my feelings about what happened so that I can share them with Geoff instead of being in a distracted fog when I get home. If I’m going to a party and feel scattered and anxious, I can take a few moments to process what I am feeling and get my bearings. If I am to be present, I must be prepared to listen and as Adam McHugh states, “There is a vast difference between merely not speaking and listening. True listening requires us to silence the constant monologue running through our heads.” If I am to listen well and give people my full attention, one of the most loving things I can do is prepare myself with a few minutes of “me” time.
Be me. The only person I can be with any degree of success is myself. This might see like it contradicts all this talk about effort and working against what feels natural, but the reality is that we all have to work against the weaknesses that come with the way we are wired. I am coming to see that introversion, so often confused with shyness and seen in a negative light, comes with tremendous potential for good. The same is true of extroversion. The world needs all personality types, and the world needs people who can be themselves well. Being me, or better put, being the best version of myself, means taking an honest look at my struggles and weaknesses and working to become better. It means operating within my natural abilities and stretching myself when doing so is good for me and the people around me. This is where doing things like taking time to quiet my mind are so important. When I do this, I am valuing how I am wired while also preparing myself for growth. Being me should also include doing more of the things that make me come alive and help me operate within my giftings. When I spend time in nature I feel alive and refreshed. When I write I feel like I’m doing something that I was created to do. What does this have to do with being present? When we are at ease with ourselves, we can be at ease with others. When we have this ongoing habit of operating within the framework of our inner blueprint--all the while seeking growth in the context of kindness and grace towards ourselves--I think we will be on our way to truly being with others when we are with them. If you are an extrovert and struggle with being present, you might need to practice listening more than you speak or paring down you're schedule so you're less busy and can be less rushed when you are with people.
While your desires and goals for the coming year may be totally different from mine, I hope you will take the time to think about what you would like more of (and less of) in the coming year, and what small steps you can take to get it.
The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin
Introverts in the Church, Adam McHugh
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