There are few things that, if I meditate upon for very long, produce the kind of response in me that the kindness and faithfulness of the Lord do. Oh, I am definitely not always as thankful as I ought to be. But, if I pause long enough to think upon all that I have been given and all that I have been spared, my heart that is far too often cold and indifferent, begins to warm and be elevated in praise.
"On you I was cast from birth, and from my mother's womb you have been my God." *
I can see her there on the couch, curled up in her blue robe, burning the midnight oil as she mined The Word, searching for treasure. From her example I learned to do the same as a young girl, little knowing the worth of creating those grooves, familiar territory my feet would return to over and over again.
And when an optic nerve disease claimed her vision, the sound of her audio Bible could be heard many times throughout the day and night.
When she learned she was going blind, I remember her saying that she sang the song "You are My Hiding Place" to herself all the way home. On New Year's Eve last year, when the news came that a friend's wife had died suddenly--friends Geoff and I had just had breakfast with on Christmas Eve--we drove in shocked silence to be with a man now a widower. And I sang to myself, "You are my Hiding Place. You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance. Whenever I am afraid I will trust in you." And when we welcomed 2013 with tears and painful silence, I still knew He was with us.
I can see my dad, gently leading, faithfully teaching. I can see us driving in that old mini van to church, and hearing him tell us the significance of what we are about to do--of what it means to gather with other believers and worship the Living God.
I can see myself with my siblings, running to meet him at the door when he came home from work. His love and patience with us such reflections of God's.
And when seven years of depression claimed him from the dinner table and the drive to church, the seeds that were planted began to bear fruit, and I turned to God as Father like never before.
Like many, I've acquired my share of wounds from my childhood. Some perhaps by mistakes my parents made, some by my responses to those mistakes, and some by my own folly. It goes without saying that mom and dad weren't perfect.
But I'll be forever thankful for this: they taught me of Jesus.
And all throughout my life, in all the times I have been "prone to wander," I have always, always been drawn back, wooed by the grace and loving-kindness of the Lord.
Sometimes I'm stopped in my tracks, stunned by the goodness of a God who has never relaxed his grip upon me. I have doubted. I have been depressed, ungrateful, spiteful, self-pitying, and the list goes on. But He has been forgiving, patient, loving, merciful, relentless, and the list goes on.
In our Do-It-Yourself-Rugged-Individualist-I Did-it-My-Way Culture, it seems strange to say I wouldn't be who I am if not for another. But it's true. Though I may have come to know the grace of Jesus some other way, I'm so grateful that it happened this way, that over and over again I've been able to trace the lines of His faithfulness all the way back to my childhood. And that over and over again, through tears in my eyes, I've gotten to say, "Thank You. For all that I have been given, and for all that I have been spared of a life without You, Thank You."
It's not that my story is better that yours or that of anyone else. I confess there have been times that I've craved a more exciting "before and after" conversion story. But, I'm learning that the quiet, steady grace of the Lord is just as beautiful as the more attention-getting demonstrations of his power to save. I love that He calls us so uniquely and so perfectly--and that all of our stories flow out of and are swallowed up in The Story, "...an old, old story/ How a Savior came from glory/ How he gave his life on Calvary/ To save a wretch like me." However your story has unfolded, if you know this Savior, I suspect that if you pause long enough to think about it, gratitude will flood your heart as well.
"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written,“Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
(1 Corinthians 1:26-30)
Yes, "redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'till I die. And shall be 'till I die..."
*Psalm 22:10
Hymns:
"Victory in Jesus," Eugene Monroe Bartlett, Sr
"There Is a Fountain Filled With Blood," William Cowper
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